So, I had my first fill. I had 5 cc’s put in and I don’t think I’ve had enough honestly. I can still eat a good deal, but I can still feel a bit of restriction.

I’ve had a really hard time putting this post up. I am all over the place in terms of topic, so I am just going to post what I have and try to collect my thoughts more coherently for a few other posts instead of trying to put everything down at once.

I’ve always been a back-of-the-room kind of person. Most of us spend as much time as possible melting in and out of shadows in desperate attempts to blend in or just disappear entirely. Attention can be very hard to receive, especially positive attention. I’m only 16 pounds down since the surgery and its a fact I’m already starting to notice.

The heavier you are the more weight you need to loose before it becomes clear that you’ve lost any way at all. A very dear friend of mine, who has been a huge source of inspiration for me, said she had to loose 50 pounds before she looked like she lost 5.

What a fuckin mean trick!

Since the start of my journey in November 2007, and including the weight lost since surgery, I am down about 58 pounds. It took me about 37 pounds for the weight loss to become noticeable.

I was at Highland War a few weeks ago. A small, annual SCA event up in Victorville, CA. At events I tend to stick to people I know and hope I can meet others through their social pollination. While I was lingering in the fringes of the crowd, attached to either my best friend or the very nice girls I met through him, I stood back and people watched. The usual scenes spread before me: talking, laughing, hugging groping, kissing and of course the occasional disrobing as the night wore on. After saying, “My goodness! There are a lot of good looking guys at this event!”. (And there were! I am reluctant to say that back east there is a short supply of men of my age bracket and of acceptable attractiveness [and don't give me any bullshit about being shallow. I'm shallow, you're shallow, we're all shallow. Examine yourself and accept it.].) I began to notice that I was being noticed. I didn’t know how exactly how to deal with that. Whenever a guy came to talk to me I was rather guarded. Polite. Ever, ever polite, but guarded; a remnant of self-defense acquired from when I was younger during a time when people were nice to you only so that you would let them allowing them to deliberately hurt you. It will take time to work through that barrier. This is no longer elementary or middle school. It will take time.

The prize for taking "Pretty Girl Reduction" drink was a fake mustache

On a side note, check out my first fibula. Kinda proud.

My First Fibula

What has been difficult is the changes in body structure. You’ll hear some people mention thy during a plateau they didn’t lose pounds but the lost inches. Fat shifts. I realized that I go through the shift about every 30 pounds. Roughly. Shortly after surgery I experienced a noticeable change on my end. My fatty parts, in particular my thighs for some reason, were much softer. I got pretty depressed because I was seeing change, but not change I liked. I was being very unrealistic about it. Now I realize that I’ve identified a symptom of my body changing and can use that in the future as motivation instead of getting down on myself about it.

It’s taken me like…weeks to write this freaking post. Since my fill my weight has started to slowly creep down again. When I’m not retaining much water in the mornings I am at about 274 – 274.5. This week I started my workout regimen. By common standards, it is not at all a lot, in my opinion. I do about 20 minutes of yoga in the morning when I wake up and I walk for 15 minutes during my breaks twice a day. I want to work in my evening yoga routine but in the past I had some foot and knee difficulty with certain poses.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

A dear friend of mine at work, whom I got started on yoga, did something I’ve always wanted to try but was too nervous to: Bikram Yoga. Yoga performed in a 105 degree room. I asked my surgeon if it is ok to give it a go and he replied, “Yeah you can do it… …don’t know why you’d want to though…”

I decided to get back into my usual yoga routine before attempting it. I haven’t done yoga in more than a month because the surgeon did not release me to do so.

Hopefully all the walking will help me push past this plateau.

I’ve bee pretty fiercely depressed off and on since the surgery. I realized that I haven’t been this weight since high school and it seems as if I am dealing with old emotions from high school.

The only thing, seriously, keeping me afloat, has been the show from Cartoon Networks, Adult Swim called Metalocalypse.

Ahhh Skwisgaar…such a dick.

And here is a totally metal fan art

Brutal...

And another painting that totally made me smile.

Doom Comes on Little Cat Feet